


Oh Fuck.

by beckdarkthrone



Category: Corpse Husband - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Corpse Husband - Freeform, Depression, First Meeting, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Social Anxiety, Sort Of, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, and that rae lives in dc, corpse husband x sykkuno, ignore that jack is not from the us, ish, tw, tw self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27683956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckdarkthrone/pseuds/beckdarkthrone
Summary: So... What happens if Corpse is seen in public by a couple of the Among Us gang... Let's find out.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 348





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have never EVER written anything like this. Be nice <3

“Wait, we could live together because you live in California too don’t you Corpse?” DisguisedToast says into the Discord chat after Corpse mentions again how terrible his internet is. When you're as isolated as him, internet can be a life saver.

Corpse laughs awkwardly, “ah yeah…” before hurriedly moving the conversation along. He felt bad, not that he didn’t want to discuss with his new friends about his life and where he lives- but he doesn’t want to tell anyone else on the internet where he is from, them knowing he lives in California was enough for him to buy two more deadbolts for his door – to add to the three already there. Paranoia is expensive.

The comments about the Among Us crew also living in California sticks with Corpse for days afterwards. Where in Cali? Close to him? Has he seen them before without knowing who they were? Have they seen him? Did they make fun of him? They probably did. Before Covid-19 ANYONE wearing a mask stood out like a sore thumb – let alone a guy all in black, wearing a black mask to match his black beanie. They probably saw him and laughed. The never-ending bombardment of dark thoughts is enough to keep Corpse up all night – not that that was anything new, if it wasn’t this worry, it would be another. On top of that, he knew he would have to go out food shopping the next day as well, he had run out of coffee and protein bars, aka, his main diet. Eating made his medical conditions bad, but not eating made them 10 times worse. The idea of having to go outside, especially during this warm Californian summer was enough to make his heart race. He could wear his mask and beanie… but no sleeves…

NEXT DAY.

Sykkuno, DiguisedToast (Jeremy), Rae and Jack were out for the morning, before it got too warm to do anything but lie under the cooling system and whine.

“We need to get food, coffee, cat food, and then we need to get bubble tea” Rae says, taking the lead into the mall.

Sykkuno follows behind, leaving Jack and Jeremy at the car still “Let’s do tea first, iced tea PLEASE” he laughs.

They order their teas and sit down, watching the world go by, laughing, enjoying being outside – especially during this strange time of 2020. Jack suddenly stops laughing and focusses on someone behind the group. Sykkuno notices first and turns to see what he is looking at. It was a man. A tall man, dressed in black pants, converse, and a short-sleeved shirt. But that wasn’t what they were looking at – not really.

“Poor guy…” Jack mutters, taking a sip of his tea. Rae turns and sighs when she sees the guy too, as they try to subtly look as he goes to order his tea. Jack notices he is shaking like a leaf. He can’t be cold though!? Nervous?

“Imagine wanting to do that to yourself… to hurt yourself…” Sykkuno says sadly, addressing the patchwork of scars on the man’s arm. They weren’t ugly, they were orderly, in lines, all about the same length and depth, which almost made it scarier. He paid attention to them, looked after them, thought about them and planned them. He seems like that kind of person though, organised self-destruction.

Rae and Jeremy agree, nodding while sipping their tea.

“Must be hard being him… Hope he has someone who loves him and looks after him” Jack says with a voice full of empathy. They turn their attention away however, not wanting to be rude. They couldn’t see the man’s face anyway; it was covered except for his green eyes.

The group sits silently when they hear “uh… y-yeah… that’ll be all…” as the man finishes ordering. The group freezes in unison.

No. Surely not. NO. California is a huge state. This can’t be happening.

“Did… you hear him too…” Sykkuno breaks first, Jack nods slowly, staring at the man again as he taps his credit card to pay.

“That’s… CORPSE” Rae yells happily, all of her manners out the window. The man freezes. Like prey facing a predator, like he is ready to run, like he is about to experience the worst event in his whole life. He turns, slowly, so slowly, to where his name was called, his green eyes meeting Sykkuno’s directly. The fear is evident.

The clerk quickly passes Corpse his tea, which he accepts with trembling hands, before he slowly walks to the table.

“Oh my gosh Corpse, small world!!” Rae says happily, moving a seat from another table to join their table.

He doesn’t sit though, he grasps his cup for dear life, staring awkwardly.

Jack realises the severity of the situation – he was the one who did the initial introductions after all.

“You can leave if you need Corpse. It is ok, we would never take offense. You don’t need to talk to us IRL” He says quietly, with a soft smile.

Corpse still doesn’t move, but his breathing increases, probably at the task of having to decide between meeting these people he has been speaking to for months, or to leave and somehow deal with the repercussions.

Sykkuno joins in, “breath Corpse, it’s ok, we understand either way” trying to calm him down, seeing the makings of a panic attack.

Corpse takes a deep breath, puts his tea on the table with obvious effort, tugs his beanie down and his mask up. All that is visible is one eye, the other obscured by long curly locks. He then rubs his arms self-consciously. Fuck he didn’t want the crew to see them. He didn’t want them to see HIM. They didn’t need to know how fucked up he was. Why he actually has all those knifes. How he deals with the insomnia and those horrible nights alone. Fuck.

“H-H-Hey guys” Corpse stutters, sitting next to Jack.

“Hey, Corpse” Jack smiles, taking a sip of his tea, avoiding looking directly at him. He gives eyes to Rae too, telling her to stop staring. She takes the hint, and simply smile at Corpse, radiating love.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Corpse unintentionally pushing himself and makes new friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to add to this, at all. But I didn't expect for so many people to read it so quickly!! So I thought I would write a bit in first person, it is a bit more comfortable for me. The same events, but from Corpses POV.

I slowly open my eyes – thankful that nothing seems to be hurting. It’s always a gamble, will my eyes hurt, my arms, my legs, my back? Nothing today. Good. I drag myself into a sitting position, as my eyes adjust again to the darkness, I love black out blinds. It’s 8:30am. Cool, I slept for 2.5 hours. Just enough sleep to be functioning enough to do what I need to do today. I feel my heart suddenly race at the thought that I have to go outside today.

No, I got this. I can do this. It is just food shopping; people do that every day. I can do it. Might even grab some iced tea on the way to the store, surely the mall won’t be THAT busy if I go now?

I get up, and pull on my black pants, some socks and a pair of old converse. Then I stop and decide what to do about my top half… I could wear my regular hoodie, but I would overheat instantly. I could just wear this old button-down shirt I slept in… I know people REALLY won’t look at me, it’s just anxiety… No-one pays THAT much attention to the see the lattice work that is my arms…

Before I can psych myself out, I grab my keys, beanie and mask and make the daunting trip to the mall, chanting to myself the whole way there. _Corpse, you got this. Corpse, you got this. Corpse, you got this._ It worked, I am standing out the front of the mall, and I am yet to panic. Good work.

I keep my head low as I walk to the tea store. _Iced peach… Iced peach… Yes, ice cubes… no extra sugar… a large… Iced peach… Iced peach… Yes, ice cubes… No extra sugar… A large…_ I practice 4 more times in the line before it’s my time to order. I am trembling, and I think the clerk hears it in my voice. He just smiles politely, putting my order through.

“Is that all?” He asks. I shake my head.

“Uh… y-yeah… that’ll be all…” I stammer, not planning a response to that question. The clerk turns to grab my drink when I hear behind me, a female voice yelling.

“That’s Corpse!!”

I freeze instantly. Fuck. Fuck. A fan. A stalker. A hater. Shit. They found me. I shouldn’t have come outside today. Cali is always busy; I should have waited till sundown. Did I need to order a drink? Did I really need to eat today? I don’t have sleeves on, they’ll see. They’ll tell the internet. My new friends will hate me. My fans will leave. Oh shit.

I turn slowly, mentally preparing for what will happen next. Insults, pitying looks, confusion.

I meet someone’s eyes. No. Surely not. Sykkuno. A little voice in my head smiles at the sight of him, he always relaxes me, even on streams.

“Here Sir” The clerk passes me my drink, which I almost spill while accepting because I am so fucking scared. I will my body to move. To leave. To go to them. Fuck they probably already think I am a freak; I’m staring at them!!

My body decides to walk to them, ok, let’s do that.

“Oh my gosh Corpse, small world!!” Rae says happily, moving a seat next to Jack and Sykkuno, inviting me to sit. Ok, they don’t hate me. Yet.

I am suddenly self-conscious about everything, my face – even though its hidden. My arms. My legs. My clothes. My hair. Fuck, what would a regular human do? I can’t keep standing here, _move Corpse!!_

Jack must have seen the million thoughts and worries coursing through my brain.

“You can leave if you need Corpse. It is ok, we would never take offense. You don’t need to talk to us IRL” He says quietly, with a soft smile. Does he want me to leave? No, he is being genuine. He is worried about me. Ok, do I leave? I can leave, they won’t be mad. I start to panic, leave, stay? Meet my friends? Are they friends? Yes.

“Breath Corpse, it’s ok, we understand either way” I hear Sykkuno say, in his relaxing voice. God, Sykkuno. Ok. It’s just Sykkuno. Jack. Rae. Jeremy. Ok.

I take a deep calming breath and force myself to put my drink on the table. Then I force myself to move forward and sit down. _Fuck Corpse look at you go._

I pull my beanie down further over my forehead and readjust my mask, ok. They can’t see what I look like. Covering my face has made me acutely aware of my arms though. I rub them nervously. Maybe they won’t see them? Of course they will. Shit. I put them between my legs, hoping to draw any attention away from me.

“H-H-Hey guys” I manage to stammer, hoping they can hear that I am smiling from under my mask.

Jack smiles at me “Hey Corpse” before giving Rae a look that says, ‘ _stop staring at the freak_ ’. But Rae just smiles back. She doesn’t think that.

After 30 minutes of surprisingly fun conversation, full of laughs and jokes – well, I laughed at their jokes, while trying to not have a panic attack the whole time, I decided I probably couldn’t do this anymore.

“Uh… I had… Actually, a great time guys, but I need to…” I finish, not sure what to say. I need to go home, drink a shit ton of wine and question every life choice I have ever made? Go home and check that no one else online has seen me? Beg that none of them post what they saw about me today?

Sykkuno catches on though “hey, it’s ok, it was awesome to spend this much time with you, it was so much fun. Whenever you’re ready to, we could do it again another time”

I nod briefly, one half of me we love to, to actually have friends, people who know and understand him but still love him. The other half is terrified, and would rather go back home and stay in his darkened apartment for a month without leaving (wouldn’t be the first time).

I stand up, and wave “thanks guys” before making a break for it, I didn’t even get to go shopping. I suppose it is take out for the next few days.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Corpse and Sykkuno chat, and curiosity gets the best of Sykkuno...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cant believe the feedback and hits this has been getting!! It has been less than 24 hours and has 5x the hits than anything else I have posted, which has inspired me to keep this lil piece going. 
> 
> (As someone who has anxiety, depression and self harms, most of this is me projecting onto Corpse, but I have tried to put as much canon info as I can)
> 
> Keep up the comments pls, I love feedback

I check the clock again, 1:20am. Fucking hell, why won’t my brain shutdown? Am I surprised though? No. I make a checklist of things I have achieved today to make myself feel better. Didn’t go shopping… But that’s ok, I had a healthy meal for dinner… I took my medication, I streamed a little bit this afternoon, no one in the Discord chat mentioned meeting me which I was eternally grateful for. I have no idea what I would have done if they spoke about it. I lie in bed for a little while longer thinking about… Well, everything, and decide to tweet something to pass the time.

“ _sleep… sleep… sleep…_ ” I type cryptically, not having much more to say.

I watch at the replies come in, most of them so stupid and insane that I don’t pay attention to them. People telling me they’re in love with me, getting me tattooed on them, quoting things I have said from previous streams, etc. A new notification breaks the lull. It’s Sykkuno.

_“Hey Corpse, you’re awake :)”_

I smile into the darkness, such a cute thing Sykkuno is.

_“Hi Sykkuno, so are you.”_

I type back quickly, grateful to have someone to talk to so late. We have texted a little bit before, but the knowledge that he knows – sort of – what I look like brings back all the previous anxieties I had before about messaging. He sent a smiley face… I doubt he is texting to tell me he never wants to talk to me again… Right?

_“Yeah… I saw your tweet… Thought maybe you wanted someone to talk to…”_ A response came quickly.

I sit up, take a swig of the wine I have in a little glass next to me, and mentally prepare myself for a conversation. Sometimes it is hard for my brain to get into socialisation mode, even online.

_“Sure, why not, brain won’t let me sleep tonight, but it is ok, I am used to it”_ I reply quickly and sending before I begin to overthink it.

_“Does that happen often?”_

I laugh at that response; I don’t know why. It is such a sweet thing to reply, like he hasn’t heard me talk often about my insomnia and depression and how it has ruined my sleeping schedule.

_“Yeah, it does, I sleep maybe… 3 hours every few days. Been that way for a long time”_

_“Does anything help?”_

That question halts me in my tracks. I can’t answer with honesty. That the only things I have found is drinking into oblivion and leaving new scars on my arms. I was young when I realised self-destruction was the only thing that calmed my brain down enough to sleep. The never-ending moving cogs of my mind were only calmed by pain and substances. I have quit all drugs now, they were really bad for my health problems, but cutting out any other destructive urges hasn’t been as easy.

“ _Corpse?”_ A notification lights up my phone.

“ _Sorry, ignore that question, I understand if you don’t want to talk to me about it :)”_ Comes straight after. I panic, _no I don’t want Sykkuno to think that._

_“No, no, sorry, not a lot helps, it’s mostly all psychological, I take some meds for it, but they don’t always work”_ I reply quickly.

_“I’m sorry this happens to you Corpse… and I would LOVE to stay up with you all night, but I think I am going to crash… I would like to maybe Facetime you in the morning? You know, if you’re up for it, I understand if you’re not. You can wear your mask and everything if you like”_ Sykkuno answers after 10 minutes of waiting. My heart speeds up rapidly at the thought of Sykkuno looking at my face again, my eyes drift to the mirror in the corner of my room, smashed to pieces because I caught a glimpse of myself getting ready for bed. My knuckles still ache, but I think I need to do this, this is how people keep friends.

_“Yeah Sykkuno, I will try, I would love to try”_ I type back quickly, taking a deep breath to slow my heart rate.

_“Good Night Corpse”_ was all that was said back, before silence.

I check the clock again 2:00am. Fucking hell. I turn on my overhead lamp and grab the book out from under my pillow, guess it is time to write, instead of sleep. Again.

NEXT DAY

The clock says it’s about 11am, not that I would know, I haven’t drawn back the curtains and the only light in my room is from the RGB’s from my computer and my small lamp. Sipping from my 4th cup of coffee, I wait for any notification from Sykkuno. I have been thinking about it all night, what do I wear? Do I wear a mask? Do I wear long sleeves? Do I just turn my camera off? Is that rude? He wouldn’t mind? Why does he want to Facetime instead of text?

_“Hey, Corpse, you up to FT?”_ The notification finally arrives. I take a deep breath and reply with a quick yes.

I have turned the cooling all the way down in my room so I can wear my black hoodie and my beanie without overheating. I pull on my face mask, instantly feeling better. The scabs on my knuckles are now a reminder of what happens if I don’t wear my mask… I am bought out of my reverie by my ringtone.

Accepting the call, I see my face on the screen and Sykkuno’s smile.

“Hey Corpse, man, how have you been? Did you sleep?” He asks, taking a bite from what looks like a cookie.

“Uh yeah I am ok, I am good” I say, not supplying anymore information – not on purpose, but he doesn’t need to know that I lay in bed all night thinking about this call.

“Good… Good… I am glad we got to see you yesterday, I know it must have been scary… I didn’t want to say anything on the chat, you know how silly the other guys can get… It was great to see you in person. To know you’re a real person.” Sykkuno says sincerely, obviously trying to gauge my reaction from beneath my mask.

We chat for a little while, about nothing really. It is as easy as it is in the Discord chat, talking about jokes, movies, songs and books. Sykkuno is smart, SO smart, he has a Masters in Statistics. I try to not let that bother me too much, having dropped out of school at 12. _He probably thinks you’re fucking stupid,_ is the only productive thing my head has to say about that.

We move on to chatting about the weather, and how the changes are wild in this part of America. Fire, storms, drought and rain.

“Yeah, this heat wave is killing me man, plus our AC is broken!!” Sykkuno sighs, with a smile on his face “I see yours is working, how are you wearing long sleeves!?” He continues, before a look of guilt flitters across his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything, I think he waiting to see what I say.

  
I don’t. I don’t know WHAT to say. I don’t want to lie to Sykkuno, friends don’t lie to friends… But I can’t tell him this? Can I? The concept of talking to Sykkuno face to face – sort of – about my mental health issues makes my heart beat out of my chest.

“Uh… Sorry, I saw…. Yesterday… I forgot… Um… We can talk about something else” Sykkuno says warmly, obviously trying to make me more comfortable. Out of habit, I pull my beanie further down and again check my mask is in place.

“No, no, it is ok, um… I am sure you have questions” I say without thinking. Wait do I want him to ask questions? Why would I want that? Do I like him enough? Does he like me enough to care about asking questions? _Corpse, what have you done?_

Sykkuno blushes, obviously having some things to say.

“I suppose… But also, not really… I don’t want to make you uncomfortable… Um… So… You have scars?” He stammers, fidgeting with his fringe.

I nod.

“Did you um… Do it to yourself?” He continues.

_I have flashbacks to sitting on my bed in the middle of the night, it had been 6 days since I’d slept, 13 since I had spoken to anyone. I had drunk 1 bottle of red wine on an empty stomach and had spent the last 2 hours crying. I was holding one of my many switch blades in my hand, and I was covered in blood. My own blood. Again. It never ends._

“Yeah, I did. I do” I reply quietly, wondering if he understands the implications of present tense. I haven’t stopped. I don’t know if I will stop. Destruction is a part of me. It is who I am.

“We don’t need to talk about it more, its ok” Sykkuno says, seeing how uncomfortable I am. The rest of the conversation flows easily, though I am further away mentally – something not lost on Sykkuno. After hanging up, I rip off my mask and beanie, and take off my hoodie. Staring at my arms. Each scar is perfectly aligned and symmetrical, I am too obsessive about how I look to have messy scars. I hate them, but I would hate them more if they were out of order. He knows. They know. And they don’t hate me…


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I got some fucking problems, we're all fucked in the end  
> When they fucking want me happy, I ain't fucking play pretend  
> Couple things I regret  
> Got some rope burn on my neck  
> They all fuckin' with me now, they ain't fuckin' with me then  
> Everyday, I'm in pain, fucking want this shit to end  
> Everyday, I break, I'm in fucking pain again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was just thinking about how everyone simps Corpse’s screams in Cabin Fever when he is LITERALLY TALKING about his previous suicide attempts. 
> 
> Yeah I got some fucking problems, we're all fucked in the end  
> When they fucking want me happy, I ain't fucking play pretend  
> Couple things I regret  
> Got some rope burn on my neck  
> They all fuckin' with me now, they ain't fuckin' with me then  
> Everyday, I'm in pain, fucking want this shit to end  
> Everyday, I break, I'm in fucking pain again
> 
> Context: A few months after Corpse and Sykkuno have become buddies, they chat every so often, but Corpse has been talking to Jacksepticeye and Pewds (who is visiting Jack) more often. 
> 
> TW: SUICIDE, SELF HARM
> 
> (The chapter after this will be a lil tidbit from Corpse's POV, and it might be very HEAVY for some readers, so please be careful)

I am sitting on the couch, watching Netflix and eating spice noodles when my phone goes off, the caller ID saying ‘Jackspedicey’.

  


‘Jack, hey, what’s up? You never call me on my mobile?’ I say, though still happy to hear from him.

‘Sykkuno, you need to come to the hospital’ Jack says, matter of fact, I can hear Felix in the background. Why are they in the hospital?

‘Why!? Are you ok!? Is Felix?!’ I ask, as I put down my noodles and start looking for my shoes.

‘It’s not me Sykkuno, it’s corpse. Just. Come quick” and he hangs up.

My heart stops at the mention of Corpse. We have been talking every few days since we facetimed a couple of months ago. But over the last week or two, I have barely heard from him? I figured he was just busy, maybe making music or a new video for his YouTube channel. Why is he in hospital?

  


Driving to the hospital feels like autopilot, I don’t remember getting into the car or getting here, I was just thinking about Corpse. Is he sick again? Did he get hurt? Did someone find him? A stalker? His family? What happened?

  


I burst through the double doors of the emergency room and am faced with Felix and Jack, looking so incredibly worried.

“Guys, what?” I huff, out of breath. Jack looks down and Felix sighs.

  


“He tried to kill himself again last night Sykkuno’

It feels like my heart stops. Kill? Himself? AGAIN? 

  


I sit down in the seat directly behind me, the world feels like its spun upside down. Jack and Felix follow, sitting on either side.

“Wha- “Is all I can muster before breathing deeply again.

“We hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days, and he promised to see Felix once I got him from the airport. So, we went over to his place – his land lady let us in. We found him, just in time. Hanging from the ceiling. He had obviously tried a few days before there… There were pills and blades and….” Jack trails off, harshly rubbing his eyes, obviously trying not to cry.

Felix doesn’t say anything, he just nods sadly.

  


“C-can I see him?” I stutter out, trying to not cry myself. I have to stay strong. They can’t know how much I love Corpse…. I need to be strong for him.

  


Jack nods and points to the door closest on the left ‘yeah, it’s a bit confronting dude so be ready… but he is generally half conscious – man doesn’t sleep no matter how many sedatives they give him”

  


I nod, my heart rate increasing even more. Confronting? What?

  


I will my legs to move, and they carry me to Corpses door. I take a deep breath, and do what Jack said, I prepare myself, before pushing the door open and stepping across the threshold into the small hospital room.

  


I keep my eyes on the ground, and slowly look up to see Corpse. The first thing I notice, he doesn’t have a mask on. I can see his full face for the first time. His curly hair is even more unruly than normal, and his skin is pale. Then my eyes drift to his neck, he has a red ring around his throat, rope burn. My eyes drift further again, to his arms, covered in bandages and needle connected tubes into his veins. Oh, Corpse what have you done…

  


I walk slowly to the chair next to his bed and sit down softly, not wanting to wake him – he seems to finally be asleep.

I hear a soft knock at the door as Felix walks in.

  


‘It took them nearly twice the dosage to knock him out’ he whispers, ‘Doctors also say this isn’t his first attempt, he tried two years ago but his girlfriend found him.’

  


I nod, not knowing what else to say to that. Surely we could have known he was suicidal? I curse myself, of course we did. How many times did he mention death, hell and pain? His lyrics, his ‘jokes’, ability to say he wants to die in so many languages, mentions that he is going to hell and is always alone. He was telling us the whole time!! He had friends the whole time, and we didn’t pay enough attention…. I will now though. I will be the friend he needs, and deserves.

  


  


  


  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes love is enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW TW TW TW TW TW TW TW  
> I cannot say TW too many times. Please. Do not read if triggered. Thankyou.

I cannot say TW too many times. Please. Heavy heavy stuff ahead. It ends well though. CORPSE POV

I wake up, groggy and in pain. I am on my bathroom floor. What the fuck? I sit up and look around. There is a half-bottle of my anti-depressants, and painkillers left around me, and my arms are in pain. Oh. Yeah. That’s right. Tried to kill myself. And failed. Again. Fucking hell Corpse. Can’t even do that right.

I groan as I pull myself to my feet, and strip off all my clothes, leaving the pills and bottles of wine on the floor as I step into the shower, moaning when the hot water touches my arms. Once the blood has washed off, I check the damage.

2 vertical cuts on my left, and 1 on my right. I didn’t cut deep enough to do damage, just enough to scar. I took too many pills and drank too much before I did this, that’s why. I did it in the wrong order… I was too dozy and numb to get it right… Fucking hell. Why did I do this? Do I feel this shitty?

I slowly sit on the floor of the shower. And think. And think. And think. What is going on in this fucking head!? Before I realise, I have punched the titles next to my arm. I leave no damage on the wall, but it is yet another pain sensation my body is trying to deal with. Corpse. What is going on?

I close my eyes and try to sort through the mess. What happened last night to start this…

Yeah, I feel shit. And last night, I felt just as bad. I hadn’t messaged Sykkuno in days. Or Jack. Or Felix. I hadn’t answered Rae’s requests to enter any Among Us lobbies. I hadn’t touched my music in weeks. They hate me. I know they do. They haven’t met me in person, no emotional connection. I am just a voice. I have no face. No personality.

You can’t miss a voice, right? I mean, if I am gone, they can re-watch my videos to hear me. It would probably be easier if I just didn’t exist. Then they wouldn’t worry about inviting me to lobbies and severs. Then people would debate my voice, my face, my looks. No-one would miss me. I don’t get out anyway. How is me being dead any different to now? It’s not…

The hot water starts to run out and I am dragged back to reality. I sigh, turning off the water, grabbing my towel and carefully drying myself off, avoiding my arms and now throbbing knuckles. I get dressed in a daze, not bothering to tame my hair, or do my makeup. Then I sit. On my couch. And sit. And sit. I don’t move, I don’t do anything. I just think. About the pain, my health, my face, my life, my career, my family, my childhood. I think about it all. It’s all too much. I am always in pain, emotionally, physically, mentally. Nothing helps. NOTHING HELPS. No-one will want to be my friend when they see my face, then I won’t be interesting. I’ll be just another sad goth boy. There is nothing new about those. My music isn’t that great I guess, I probably could do better. My family will never know me. Who I am now, what I have achieved? They know my failings. That’s all they think about when they think about me. Everything I have ever done wrong. Have I done enough right to counteract this? IT IS ALL SO MUCH.

It’s over. I am over. Corpse. Is over. I get up quickly before I can change my mind and rummage through my closet, finding a long piece of rope. Originally bought for… Kinkier reasons, now I can use to it to finish this. Everything.

Before I can talk myself done, I tie a rudimentary knot and wrap it around the bathroom pipe tucked behind my doorframe. I catch a glimpse of my clock while I work, 10am? I sat on the couch all night? Over 14 hours? Oh well, what is time anyway… I was supposed to meet Felix and Jack today… It is ok, Felix doesn’t need to meet me in person. I am sure Jack regrets ever meeting me face to face. Wrapping the rope around my neck, and stepping off my counter top, my last thought it about how there is no way I have done this in the wrong order like last night…

The first thing I notice is the smell. Clean. Too clean. Way cleaner than my house. Then the cold, it’s cold in here. Where is here. Then I notice the sounds.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

*Nurse to room 325*

*… BP139/85*

*O2 stats good*

*‘It took them nearly twice the dosage to knock him out… Doctors also say this isn’t his first attempt, he tried two years ago but his girlfriend found him.’*

That’s about me. That’s Felix. He is talking about me. How did they know I’ve tried before? Oh my god I am in a hospital. I survived. Who is Felix talking to?

“Oh…” I hear, oh god it’s Sykkuno. No. He can’t see me like this…

I force my eyes open, hoping that Sykkuno will see I am alive and be satisfied enough to leave.

When I open my eyes, I see Jack, Felix and Sykkuno all looking at me. Felix and Jack’s eyes are red, from what looks like crying, and Sykkuno looks sad. So sad.

“Wha…” Is all I can manage, my throat hurts so much. Probably from the pressure of the rope…

“Don’t talk Corpse… It is ok. We are here” Sykkuno says quietly, not looking directly at my face. He doesn’t want to see me. I’m horrible.

Jack, realising that I have noticed Sykkuno not looking at me, decides to chime in. “Do you want me to ask the nurse for a mask Corpse?”

I think about it, do I mind that much? At the moment yeah, I think I do… I nod, ashamed that I can’t even face my best friends.

Jack nods and goes off to look for my nurse, Sykkuno sits on the chair next to me, leaving Felix alone in the corner on his phone.

“Corpse… If you felt like this…” Sykkuno trails off. I look down, embarrassed, then I notice the bandages along both arms. Fuck could I look any worse.

“It’s ok, Sykunno” I try to comfort him, he doesn’t need to know that this is my second hospitalisation, NOT my second attempt.

Sykkuno shakes his head, “It’s not ok. We are always here for you. I am always here for you. No matter what, ok?” He asks, looking me in the eye. I feel so uncomfortable being the centre of attention, but somehow comforted. Like Sykkuno is really telling me the truth. I nod slowly. Maybe he is telling the truth…


End file.
